The definition of depression according to Webster’s Dictionary is a mood disorder that can cause feelings of sadness, despair, and loneliness. It can also lead to inactivity, guilt, and sleep disturbances.
I agree with that definition for the most part. However, in some instances, I struggle with the word disorder. I do understand that there are times when it is truly caused by a disorder in one’s makeup that leads to the state of depression. At a time when everything in someone’s life is going amazing and they recognize this, yet they just can’t seem to find happiness or joy in anything around them. would be an example of a disorder. I, however, also recognize that some depression is a normal change in someone’s mood due to life events. For me, to label this emotional situation as a disorder lends to added negativity to the issues. As caregivers, we are challenged with helping during times of both causes of depression. That can be a challenging and daunting task to say the least. Sometimes we may be witnessing a combination of the two. Seeking professional assistance is always the first step. This will help with identifying the issue and how to best help your loved one.
In my experience while caring for my parents, I have seen more of the normal response than the disorder. When my mom suffered a sever stroke at the age of 64, she immediately started on an antidepressant. She was semi-comatose when they introduced it. The doctor explained that stroke affects just about everything chemical in the body due to so many changes in the brain. They were also aware of the catastrophic changes to her life and the multitude of challenges she faced. The doctor was trying to keep the obstacle of depression at a minimum through her time of recovery, which would be extensive. While mom did have the possibility of both, she showed very limited signs of depression as she healed. While I believe the medication assisted with this, I think a major contribution was the fact that she was improving. Each day she saw hope and was determined to not only live, but to thrive. And thrive she did! The fact that she could see the improvement helped pull her from the depression and kept her from sliding back into it.
At the same time, my dad sunk into a deep depression due to mom’s stroke. In the beginning, he witnessed the love of his life lay in a coma, then in a semi-comatose state for months. Listening to the doctors give their grim medical opinions as to what the future held, was hard enough. Add on the fact that he and mom had never really been apart during the entire time of their marriage. He missed his best friend, The one he kissed good morning and good night for over 47 years at the time. During this time, dad lost so much weight and, unlike us, could not see mom’s improvements. His vision was being distorted by his mind. The depression was influencing his ability to see anything good. Mom went to inpatient rehab six months after her stroke where she continued to give her all and progressed a great deal. The week of Thanksgiving, she was able to be discharged and brought HOME! This was huge! We were all so excited to have her finally home.
At that point, our focus turned to dad. We were able to talk dad into going to the doctor for his depression. We had been trying to get him to go for a while, but his focus remained steadfast on my mom. At the appointment with his long-term physician, he was open with what he was walking through and his emotional status. He was prescribed Lexapro at this appointment. When the effect of the medication kicked in, not only did we see an amazing transformation in dad, he saw a transformation in himself. In fact, he would tell people he thanked God first, and Lexapro second. He and mom rock and rolled (no pun intended) for 15 years, living very positive lives seeing all that God was doing in them both. It wasn’t until God called my brother, Elton, home and my mom just a month later that dad went from positive and happy to extreme depression again. He was shocked that the Lexapro was not helping keep him from this low place he found himself. He tried counseling and added medication but continued to feel sad and disconnected with himself. At that time, I came to realize that some depression is just a part of a wonderfully blessed life. At the end of the day, dad had lost not one, but TWO huge parts of his life. I can’t even begin to feel what he was feeling. Although it was so painful for him to walk through and for us to witness, progressing through those emotions were needed. Medication could not take away the pain of such great loss. He had to process the loss by leaning into the loss and pain. The pain is part of the healing. I believe you grieve as deeply as you love. With this awareness, I approached my day with dad in a way that helped him deal with the pain and work through it instead of suppressing it. I knew that one day God would bring him out of this low place, and he would be happy again. To some, three and a half years are way too long to walk in depression. But how long is the right time to grieve the loss of two people who were your best friends and honestly your world? It is different for everyone. Everyone’s response to such loss is uniquely theirs. There is no right or wrong answer. It’s about having that time to process your way and to build your life over with the memories of someone instead of having the actual person with you. That is hard and takes time. Different time for everyone.
Bless my dad’s heart, his walk took approximately three and a half years. About four months ago, I started to see him becoming more willing to go places again. I began to see him smiling and laughing again. I am so glad he took that time to truly feel his loss. Yes, it was painful. But at the end of the day, he is going to benefit from fully dealing with the losses he went through rather than hurrying and burying his emotions. When emotions are buried, they never stay buried and unseen. These emotions tend to place a thin film of sadness on everything in our lives. We end up putting on a happy mask to make others think all is well, while it’s not.
As a society, we need to give people the space to feel their feelings the way and the length of time they may need to heal completely. The reaction to great losses should not and cannot be rushed through with the expectation of being ok.
I write this from my own perspective, and it is strictly written to shed light on our personal walk with mom and dad. As I stated in the beginning, please seek professional guidance if you suspect you or your loved one is showing signs of depression. Each person is different, and needs vary from person to person. No one’s depression looks the same and should be viewed as such.
Care giving girl 