Depression: Disorder or normal response or is it both?

The definition of depression according to Webster’s Dictionary is a mood disorder that can cause feelings of sadness, despair, and loneliness. It can also lead to inactivity, guilt, and sleep disturbances.

I agree with that definition for the most part. However, in some instances, I struggle with the word disorder. I do understand that there are times when it is truly caused by a disorder in one’s makeup that leads to the state of depression. At a time when everything in someone’s life is going amazing and they recognize this, yet they just can’t seem to find happiness or joy in anything around them. would be an example of a disorder. I, however, also recognize that some depression is a normal change in someone’s mood due to life events. For me, to label this emotional situation as a disorder lends to added negativity to the issues. As caregivers, we are challenged with helping during times of both causes of depression. That can be a challenging and daunting task to say the least. Sometimes we may be witnessing a combination of the two. Seeking professional assistance is always the first step. This will help with identifying the issue and how to best help your loved one.

In my experience while caring for my parents, I have seen more of the normal response than the disorder. When my mom suffered a sever stroke at the age of 64, she immediately started on an antidepressant. She was semi-comatose when they introduced it. The doctor explained that stroke affects just about everything chemical in the body due to so many changes in the brain. They were also aware of the catastrophic changes to her life and the multitude of challenges she faced. The doctor was trying to keep the obstacle of depression at a minimum through her time of recovery, which would be extensive. While mom did have the possibility of both, she showed very limited signs of depression as she healed.  While I believe the medication assisted with this, I think a major contribution was the fact that she was improving. Each day she saw hope and was determined to not only live, but to thrive. And thrive she did! The fact that she could see the improvement helped pull her from the depression and kept her from sliding back into it.

At the same time, my dad sunk into a deep depression due to mom’s stroke. In the beginning, he witnessed the love of his life lay in a coma, then in a semi-comatose state for months. Listening to the doctors give their grim medical opinions as to what the future held, was hard enough.  Add on the fact that he and mom had never really been apart during the entire time of their marriage. He missed his best friend, The one he kissed good morning and good night for over 47 years at the time. During this time, dad lost so much weight and, unlike us, could not see mom’s improvements. His vision was being distorted by his mind. The depression was influencing his ability to see anything good. Mom went to inpatient rehab six months after her stroke where she continued to give her all and progressed a great deal. The week of Thanksgiving, she was able to be discharged and brought HOME! This was huge! We were all so excited to have her finally home.

At that point, our focus turned to dad. We were able to talk dad into going to the doctor for his depression. We had been trying to get him to go for a while, but his focus remained steadfast on my mom. At the appointment with his long-term physician, he was open with what he was walking through and his emotional status. He was prescribed Lexapro at this appointment. When the effect of the medication kicked in, not only did we see an amazing transformation in dad, he saw a transformation in himself.  In fact, he would tell people he thanked God first, and Lexapro second. He and mom rock and rolled (no pun intended) for 15 years, living very positive lives seeing all that God was doing in them both. It wasn’t until God called my brother, Elton, home and my mom just a month later that dad went from positive and happy to extreme depression again. He was shocked that the Lexapro was not helping keep him from this low place he found himself. He tried counseling and added medication but continued to feel sad and disconnected with himself. At that time, I came to realize that some depression is just a part of a wonderfully blessed life. At the end of the day, dad had lost not one, but TWO huge parts of his life. I can’t even begin to feel what he was feeling.  Although it was so painful for him to walk through and for us to witness, progressing through those emotions were needed. Medication could not take away the pain of such great loss. He had to process the loss by leaning into the loss and pain. The pain is part of the healing.  I believe you grieve as deeply as you love. With this awareness, I approached my day with dad in a way that helped him deal with the pain and work through it instead of suppressing it. I knew that one day God would bring him out of this low place, and he would be happy again. To some, three and a half years are way too long to walk in depression. But how long is the right time to grieve the loss of two people who were your best friends and honestly your world? It is different for everyone. Everyone’s response to such loss is uniquely theirs. There is no right or wrong answer. It’s about having that time to process your way and to build your life over with the memories of someone instead of having the actual person with you. That is hard and takes time. Different time for everyone. 

Bless my dad’s heart, his walk took approximately three and a half years. About four months ago, I started to see him becoming more willing to go places again. I began to see him smiling and laughing again. I am so glad he took that time to truly feel his loss. Yes, it was painful. But at the end of the day, he is going to benefit from fully dealing with the losses he went through rather than hurrying and burying his emotions. When emotions are buried, they never stay buried and unseen. These emotions tend to place a thin film of sadness on everything in our lives. We end up putting on a happy mask to make others think all is well, while it’s not.

As a society, we need to give people the space to feel their feelings the way and the length of time they may need to heal completely. The reaction to great losses should not and cannot be rushed through with the expectation of being ok.

I write this from my own perspective, and it is strictly written to shed light on our personal walk with mom and dad. As I stated in the beginning, please seek professional guidance if you suspect you or your loved one is showing signs of depression. Each person is different, and needs vary from person to person. No one’s depression looks the same and should be viewed as such.

November 14, 2020, is a day that well, to say the least, changed my life forever. My mom was such an amazing woman. Her life was one that was inspiring and real. There was no fluff or fakeness to her. She was real. She was strong. She was bold. She was kind. She was empathetic. She loved and loved oh so deeply. When she hugged, she would hold you tight. So tight that you could almost feel her heart beating. But I’ve come to realize that was the love she had for you getting transferred into your heart. Her sense of humor was on point. Life was never dull with momma around that’s for sure! She loved to cook, especially for her grandchildren. She was the type that would insist you eat before you leave. Even just a snack. Her love poured out onto others so effortlessly. God gifted her with the ability to fill voids in people organically. So naturally that it sometimes happened without the other person noticing it until they realized they felt love, heard, and worthy. Momma was one of a kind. She had the spirit of a warrior. She would fight for her loved ones to the end, and that is just what she did.

For 7,162 days, my momma fought. On April 5, 2004, she survived a massive stroke that affected 70% of the left hemisphere of her brain. That’s over ¼ of her brain. Without getting into the medical references, the left lobe of the brain is concerned with language, number skills, reasoning, scientific skills, spoken language, and right-hand control. It’s the assembly warehouse where words and sentences are formed.

The initial results were that she lay in a comatose state for 9 days. During these 9 agonizing days, we, as a family, were faced with so many gut-wrenching decisions. The doctors gave us no hope of her survival. They strongly discouraged us from inserting a feeding tube to give her nourishment. What did we do? We prayed. We prayed for not only her survival but also for God’s wisdom in making these life and death decisions. Mom was not on any machines; she was still breathing the breath given to her from God. Her body was still functioning, she was simply asleep.  On the 9th day, she opened her eyes! Oh, what a great day that was for us. You see, we had been praying for a sign that would help us with the feeding tube decision. We told the doctors we wanted one inserted. For the most part, again, they were not supportive of our decision.

That’s when my perspective and purpose shifted. My perspective went for viewing my mom as a victim to her being a survivor. It moved me from being a daughter into the world of advocacy. Advocacy for my mom. Advocacy for others to see her as the warrior she was instead of the victim they saw. To see the limitless potential that she had. You see, God was not ready for her. He had purpose in every minute of this journey. He didn’t cause the stroke but gosh, did he use it to reveal so many wonderful strengths and blessings throughout the 7,162 days of her recovery walk.

To the amazement of the medical world, and quite frankly all of us, her recovery was nothing short of a string of miracles that the hand of God wove together into a beautiful tapestry of moments and memories. You see, mom went from a coma for 9 days to approximately 3 months of being simi comatose. At that point there was a shift. Under the treatment of a very good speech therapist, mom began her journey back to us! She had to learn how to perform the very basic components of human development. She had to learn all the mechanics in eating, drinking, and speaking. The stroke left her with use of only her left side. After 6 months, mom qualified to enter rehab! Until then, she had to be in a nursing facility (we stayed around the clock with her) due to her being a total care patient. When she entered rehab, she fought to reclaim what had been taken from her. She stayed at an inpatient facility for approximately 7 weeks. In those 7 weeks, she pushed herself (with the therapist prodding) to learn so much. She learned how to assist in her dressing, hygiene, eating, and transfers. Was it hard? Heck yes! Did she get tired. Heck yes! Was all of it worth it to her? Yes indeed.

You see, during the time after rehab, mom lived her life in the same manor and zesty way she always had before. She attended graduations, weddings, funerals, went to the flea market with my dad, made trips to places within the state of Louisiana as well as traveled to two out of state weddings for 2 of her grandsons. One of which, she flew for the first time! She was always up for a good time and a good laugh. She let nothing hinder her from doing what she wanted to do.

The thing I miss the most though, is watching she and my dad. Gosh their love was the real deal. That kind of love you see on the Halmark channel. However, their life did not follow a script. It followed their vows. To love, honor, and respect each other, in good times and in bad. They were always there for one another. Man did momma love daddy. Daddy loved momma so deeply. To witness momma doing all she could to stay with dad and dad doing all he could to help her heal and give her comfort, was such a blessing. Dad lived for mom and mom for dad.

Some people don’t believe in true love, but I do. It’s so easy to believe in something you grew up witnessing! You see, mom and dad were blessed. They had one another. Today, marks the 3rd anniversary of her passing. It’s been 3 long years since I last heard her voice.  I can, however, still hear her voice making jokes, usually at my expense, and her laughing at her wit! I guess the main purpose in this post is to introduce everyone to my why. My why I am writing a blog. For me, it’s all about helping others navigate the crazy life of caregiving. It’s not all glitz and glamour but it is very rewarding and trying. All at the same time! I simply want to put out content that will hopefully help others understand what is caregiving as well as give hope to anyone who finds themselves in a bad place in their lives

WHAT DO YOU DO?

What do you do? Seems like such an easy question to answer, right? Well, for me it’s kind of difficult. You see, I am a caregiver to my parents during the day almost every day. I also help at our business on most Saturdays. Oh, and I oversee the food pantry at my church 2 Fridays a month. But wait, I am also a wife, mother, and grandmother to a simply beautifully perfect granddaughter (of course some will say I am partial). But wait, that’s not all, I am a blogger. Well, I am a woman trying to be a blogger. So yeah, that question, what do you do, for me gets a little complicated and lengthy. But you know what, I would venture to say that’s true for most caregivers. Especially ones who find themselves caring for family members.

It has come to my attention that being able to balance everything has gotten somewhat easier over the years. Not perfect, oh dear God, not perfect! But, with a little (or a lot) of flexibility, it can be managed. I see my siblings being just as present and flexible as I am, and I know that we are all in this together. I am so fortunate to have such wonderful siblings to be sharing this life journey with. I know some, if not most caregivers, are doing it alone for the most part. I can not even imagine how that is done except by the grace of God. I know how much time and energy it takes to do this caring for another human or two (mom and dad) with all of us doing our parts.

15 years ago, we had NO IDEA what we were doing as caregivers. For most of us, the first time we become caregivers it’s when we have children. We have this notion in our minds of how things go right? First, marriage, then when the time is right, you will have your children. You plan everything and get EVERY kind of advice on the best foods to eat during pregnancy, the best ways to sleep, how to sit, who’s the best doctor, what’s the best diapers, why you should breast feed. Well you get the idea; EVERYONE has either had a child or knows someone how has and oh the desire to share that information is so real and out there. If you need more, you can google literally each and everything you can have a question about and find a plethora of information based on any number of opinions and beliefs.

THIS IS NOT THE CASE when you become a caregiver of virtually anyone who is not an infant. I have come to figure out that there is virtually zero information or support for people who find themselves wearing the caregiver hat. There are some support groups but the problem with most of these groups is the lack of freedom most caregivers have the time and energy to attend a meeting. They barely have time to shower sometimes (literally). So, what’s a caregiver to do?

Almost all the needs and challenges that comes with having a baby, happens when you become a caregiver. My family found out very quickly that there was not much help there for family caregivers. There was so little information even on the internet that we were truly wondering how we were going to be able to give my mom the best care possible. We had limited specialized training on transfers and such but beyond that, we where on our own. My mom is classified as a total care patient. I didn’t even know what that term meant when this started. So, I guess you can add amateur research specialist to the list of what I do. She came home with a feeding tube (we did know how to care for that). There you go, add self-taught personal medical nurse to the list of things I do. One of the main issues we faced was simply where to we find the things, we need to care for her. What are the best briefs? What is the best skin protector (to prevent pressure points/bed sores? Who is the best therapist? Who is the best doctor who will see a survivor and not a victim? The list literally goes on and on. I know every caregiver walks through their own version of this, just as every new parent walks through it. However, difference is, new parents have at least 1,000 places to go get the answers they seek. It is the complete opposite when you are a caregiver. Not only are there such limited resources, but every circumstance is so different that it makes it hard to generalize and apply it to all cases.

With that being said, I have a hope that with follower feedback, this blog can be a place where caregivers can go for help in attaining the information they are seeking. I have been a caregiver for 15 years now. While I am by no means an expert, I believe I can help caregivers find their way. I have found that we are better at fulfilling most objectives by utilizing the knowledge of others who have gone before you. That is what I pray this blog allows. I have so many things that we have gotten wrong time after time and then, boom! The right thing comes along! That way of doing things that makes everything flow or that one item that fits the need that you have that has absolutely nothing to do with the items real use!

Remember when I said my siblings and I must be flexible, that’s one of the first things we learned.  Since stepping into the role of being a caregiver, I have learned so much and have met so many wonderful people who are just starting out and have no idea what is in front of them. If I can give them any advise that I wish someone would have told me then, it’s show yourself grace. You aren’t going to get it perfect the first time you do something. Just remember, it’s not about being perfect, it’s about doing the best you can. It’s about being there for the person you are caring for to the best of your ability while still taking care of yourself.

Please, sign up to follow this blog and share it. You never know who will become a caregiver tomorrow or who is one right now. The next blog will be focusing on the important reasons to start talking medically with your parents before there is an emergency. The more you are involved BEFORE there is a reason, the better you will be able to help them if the need presents itself.

Until the next blog, take care and God bless each and every one of you. Thank you for taking the time to stop by! I look forward to hearing from you.

Sincerely,

Glenda Squyres, Care giving Girlfffff

In the Beginning

Have you ever found yourself in a place where you are scared out of your mind? Have you every looked around and thought “How did I get here and what am I supposed to do now?” Just how, is this supposed to work?” Well, that is exactly how I felt, and still feel so much of the time, as a caregiver of my mother.

You see, when I became a caregiver, it was out of the blue and totally unexpected, like it is for most.  My mother suffered a severe stroke that affected over 70% of the left hemisphere of her brain on April 5, 2004 at around 5 in the evening. In one instant, my families lives were changed.  My mother had always been the driving force in our family.  When something happened, she was the cool one providing an anchor for the rest of us.  We are a family of 7.  My parents raised myself and my 4 siblings by leading be example. Their love and devotion to one another is nothing less than amazing.  With one event, we were thrust into a world we had never dreamed of being!

After a 30 day stay in the hospital she was transferred to a nursing facility due to the fact that she was a total care patient. At that time, I did not even understand exactly what total care meant. Well, it means exactly what the words say. Total care! Mom could not perform any task. She was inside of her body but had almost no control over any aspect of it. All of her abilities had been striped away. She was facing an uphill battle. We all were. We were all invested in seeing her not only survive, but to once again be able to communicate and do life again!  She could not eat (she had a PEG tube placed about 10 days after the stroke). She could not communicate at all. She had limited ability to mover her left side and no ability to move her right side. Get the picture? Total care.

By the grace of God, after 5 months in the nursing facility, mom was able to qualify for rehab!!! Oh what a glorious day! Our family was elated. Mom was able to assist with her transfers in and out of her wheelchair and she was able to eat by this time! Oh and she could communicate. Not perfectly, but all in time right?

It was a long haul for each one of my family member to get her to that point.  Throughout all of that time, we never left her alone.  Not for one minute. 24 hours a day 7 days a week! Through it all, we were all one team. My family is very close. The thought of entrusting mom to anyone without one of us there terrified us. A huge adjustment came when we had to leave her for the first time alone. Rehab, we were told, works better without having “outsiders” around other than during visiting hours. They did however allow my dad to stay as late as he wanted in the evenings. I believe they enjoyed seeing his love for her as much as we did!

Fast forward to the end of her inpatient rehab stay.  EVERYTHING got real.  She would be coming home to the home that she and dad built and raised the family in.  Man did we have a lot to do! Luckily, the staff at the rehab facility had most of the needs outlined but we needed to make them work. First, a ramp for her to even enter the house. Next, the general arrangement of the home. Now, the living room is transformed into multi use room with the hospital bed and another bed for whomever is spending the night with her. More on this topic in a later post. but you get the picture. I am not going to get into the scheduling of the continued around the clock coverage we maintained as well.

This post is meant to provide just a glimpse into the day in the life of a caregiver as well as the person being cared for. It is crazy yet rewarding, tiring yet invigorating. You do the best you can yet struggle with the question of am I doing this right. What I pray over this blog is that it will provide a place for others to have a glimpse into our life. I believe we have an obligation to help one another, lean on one another, and learn from one another.  after 14 years of our family walking through total trial and error, oh the errors, I want to share the insight and wisdom that we have gained through our walk in an attempt to help others who may find themselves in similar places. I am by no means claiming to know everything about care giving, but I am willing to share what I know honestly as well as try to help you be the best care giver you can be.

I plan to build this blog into a wonderful resource for others to turn to when they find themselves thrust into the world of care giving. Please know that I am open to questions as well as comments that can build on the purpose of the blog.

Until next time, God bless and Happy Care giving!